Fustration

I close my eyes and slip gently into an unsuspection void of darkness, the simple quiet and steady pace of my own heartbeat provids an alluring lullaby. The brother I began to count so heavily on has drifted off again, stranding this leaning tower on a cliff with no supporting beams. He now cradles a small life within his own arms, his arms which i can never see as grown, none the less he is undeniably busy. I glance towards my best friend in hopes of finding some resounding comfort, only to be dismayed at snarling fangs and extended claws. The source of every pain and fustration is the one I used to think of as my brother, before i found the actual again.
Perhaps this was his way of saying we got too close, we just don't mix, and something wasn't right. That senior whom i once adored, has now pushed me far aside. The admiration i used to feel is replaced by bitter hate, maybe it wasn't always such, but it fustration i cannot place. He used to be so kind and caring, i used to think we'd last, but since this year it's gone to hell, regardless of our past. Even as he walks in the hallway, i have to turn my head, the very vision of that almighty jerk sends my heart racing with hatred.
No matter what i say or do, nothing is good enough, he rips me to shred secretly, when no one watches, a slow and agonizing death. I long to be his friend again, where we were before, but the lust of power still gleams in his eyes, the incencitivity burning bright. Every conversation, i can feel my hatred burn, we snap and yell and curse at one another, no longer the family we used to be. Even the small justification that i can feel never makes me feel better, miserable thoughts of what a bitch i have become.
Every one has alterier motives, my headaches pound with insensitive pain, only moku turns his head in worry... Worry that i won't be able to pull my weight in research, that just figures.
The freshman who i thought adored me, used me all along, it was just a minor attraction to fulfill his growing ego. The thing i want to do the most is slap his cruel face, for flirting with me, for jerking me on a chain when really it was nothign in the end. These overactive hormones should be shot at times.
The one i want a hug from the most is no longer in my grasp, my own selfish thoughts pushed him away and eventually, seeing what i was i thought it only best if he moved on first. So i forced him to. The girlfriend that shoves us apart, and seems to loathe my every action, is everything i want to be.
If nothing else, i can take lessons from this painful day. I'm far from what i thought i had become, the beautiful and confidant star is really nothing more than a worried, and commitment fearing child. I'd really love to be able to sink into that void right now. Forget the jack-@** in debate, ignore those who pity me for the hinderance to their gains, the hormonal jerk who loves to lead me on, and the one person i need the most. I think my biggest problem is males. Seriously.

Love Always, Little Sister

Love Always, Little Sister

He always felt the guilt inside, i know because i felt it too

The stinging pang with every memory, every tear drop lost

I keep his picture by my bed, and wonder if he has mine as well

Does he ever think of Dad, of mom, but most of all of me?

I've memorized that day so well, of when we last met in memory

I can still feel the fabric of your shirt, see the glint of your glasses

But I could never hear your voice.

I think it hurt the most to know, we lost dad so long ago

and that even though you needed it, i wasn't there for you

I wasn't there to reminiss, or share his happy thoughts

We never talked about his books, or pens, or legal pads gallore

I can never directly say this, because that's really just who i am

I could never tell you how much I miss him desperately

and how somedays i just don't want to wake up without my dad

How it's such a bitter reminder to see my friends and their dads

laughing and joking around.

How i couldn't even look at my own cousin, because she still had her dad

I don't think i could ever tell you how much it hurt to realize

the one person that i needed most when i lost dad was you

But you couldn't be there, because we had seperate lives

it's true, i could never tell you these things directly.

But what i can tell you now, is how happy i was

I saw your baby girl, your beautiful wife, and smiling face

I got to hug you again, and joke about the bookmarks i "misplaced"

The best part is, for once, i could think of dad and it didn't hurt

I could see his smile and hear his laugh, and remember us together

So if i can thank you for nothing else directly, Thank you for being

My brother

So I'll sign this like i always do, with a little heart or two.

Just remember big brother, I love you
Love Always, Little Sister

With Love, Big Brother

Sometimes I think back to my early childhood, and everytime I stretch my memory as far as it will reach, there's always one memory that is the clearest of them all. My first memory isn't of my mother or my father, but rather someone who I feel at times I should have taken more time to really appreciate.
My first memory is of overwhealming joy at the sight of my big brother as he's walking off the plane. Even to this day I can still feel my heart skip faster and remember how my hands used to clutch onto my shirt in childish impatience as I waited for the one person I always felt an unspoken connection to. I can still see the way his body slanted to the left slightly with the weight of a carry-on and how he would flash that grin at us all before we'd rush in to suffocate him with hugs.
Today, we've reestablished our contact with one another, and I couldn't be happier. I finally have what millions of "Adopted" brothers couldn't suffice. A real brother. I have someone once again who I can really remember the tone of his voice and the way he walks and I can honestly say when someone asks "Yeah, that's my brother, and I couldn't be prouder of him."