Fustration

I close my eyes and slip gently into an unsuspection void of darkness, the simple quiet and steady pace of my own heartbeat provids an alluring lullaby. The brother I began to count so heavily on has drifted off again, stranding this leaning tower on a cliff with no supporting beams. He now cradles a small life within his own arms, his arms which i can never see as grown, none the less he is undeniably busy. I glance towards my best friend in hopes of finding some resounding comfort, only to be dismayed at snarling fangs and extended claws. The source of every pain and fustration is the one I used to think of as my brother, before i found the actual again.
Perhaps this was his way of saying we got too close, we just don't mix, and something wasn't right. That senior whom i once adored, has now pushed me far aside. The admiration i used to feel is replaced by bitter hate, maybe it wasn't always such, but it fustration i cannot place. He used to be so kind and caring, i used to think we'd last, but since this year it's gone to hell, regardless of our past. Even as he walks in the hallway, i have to turn my head, the very vision of that almighty jerk sends my heart racing with hatred.
No matter what i say or do, nothing is good enough, he rips me to shred secretly, when no one watches, a slow and agonizing death. I long to be his friend again, where we were before, but the lust of power still gleams in his eyes, the incencitivity burning bright. Every conversation, i can feel my hatred burn, we snap and yell and curse at one another, no longer the family we used to be. Even the small justification that i can feel never makes me feel better, miserable thoughts of what a bitch i have become.
Every one has alterier motives, my headaches pound with insensitive pain, only moku turns his head in worry... Worry that i won't be able to pull my weight in research, that just figures.
The freshman who i thought adored me, used me all along, it was just a minor attraction to fulfill his growing ego. The thing i want to do the most is slap his cruel face, for flirting with me, for jerking me on a chain when really it was nothign in the end. These overactive hormones should be shot at times.
The one i want a hug from the most is no longer in my grasp, my own selfish thoughts pushed him away and eventually, seeing what i was i thought it only best if he moved on first. So i forced him to. The girlfriend that shoves us apart, and seems to loathe my every action, is everything i want to be.
If nothing else, i can take lessons from this painful day. I'm far from what i thought i had become, the beautiful and confidant star is really nothing more than a worried, and commitment fearing child. I'd really love to be able to sink into that void right now. Forget the jack-@** in debate, ignore those who pity me for the hinderance to their gains, the hormonal jerk who loves to lead me on, and the one person i need the most. I think my biggest problem is males. Seriously.