Fairytale Induced Depression Syndrome (FIDS)

Considering you are the average person, most likely considering what in the world you should do with your life, you’re probably wondering how on earth depression could stem from Fairytales.
Well, my fair weathered, or rather cooped up friend it’s simple. Fairytales stemming especially from Disney’s line of brain washing propaganda are known to put an unrealistically blissful end upon any story. Children grow up with such ideals of how love and the world should work and are forever brainwashed, thus happiness is but a mock ending away, and no man/woman is ever really truly good enough.
The ideal of a male lover/true love as described in Disney is someone who enchants every kiss with the same electrifying magic of fireworks, has a dashing smile, a strong sculpted body, and a wonderful sense of chivalry coupled with an uplifting personality. (Right there, if it stopped right here, you impressionable males would be safe… but it doesn’t… It gets so much worse.)
That sculpted body that looks too good to be true, can probably bench press any amount of weight and looks good whether it’s sweaty or handsomely dry. A year round beautiful golden bronze graces that undamaged skin and his lips are a perfect full shape that never seems to be chapped… Even in the raging and unrelenting heat of the desert states like California. His swim trunks fit just right because he’s gifted in all the right areas… His eyes can express sympathy, unhappiness, rage, understanding, and a firm devotion like an artist’s dream. Those eyes never stray to other women, except when talking to them in a friendly and non-flirtatious manner. They’re also framed with thick gorgous lashes that accentuate color, and his eyebrows are perfect and equally masculine.
A hunky frame is never complete however without the proper apparel, and this frame is always complete. His fashion sense is perfect, and he knows how to make a bargain shirt look like a million dollars. His taste won’t break the budget, it will probably improve it, while simultaneously looking FABULOUS!
This sculpted masculinity is not only breath taking in looks, his personality is one to kill for. He believes strongly in chivalry: opening doors, pouring wine, allowing the lady to enter/exit first, using impeccable manners, and assisting his lady when her good name is called into question. He is at her side to defend her whenever she needs it, and in the worst of times he won’t leave her side. Mr. Charming also won’t cheat now or ever because he’s really is in love with her and believes that true love conquers all lust (but of course he doesn’t have any of that for any other woman except the one he’s dating). He’s a good listener, but an even better conversation artist, able to give input and constructive criticism terms that could melt butter with its warm loving approach.
Men out there are laughing right about now, because if this guy is so great what are his talents? Surely he can’t be a master at that! (Guess again.) Romantically he can write a sonnet and a personalized and moving love song in a matter of minutes (complete with instrumental accompaniment. He won’t buy the card, he’ll make an even more beautiful and original card, with a lovely phrase or quote on the inside that will have her in happy tears in a matter of minutes. He cooks like a GOD, able to whip up any course in record speed that will taste like it took hours of TLC and preparation. He’s a hard worker, dedicated firmly to any cause he’ll take up, and is probably on the way to be the youngest owner of a company in a record 20 years.
Sports wise, he’s a connoisseur because he knows all his stats and sports like the back of his hand. He can dribble up a basketball court and make it in the hoop almost every time, hockey players cringe when they see him on the opposing team, and all sports teams are begging for him to join. (But he won’t because he’s got a killer job in the corporate industry and it’s too much time away from his family).
Stability wise, he’s the shining key to a beautiful city. In fact, he probably makes Prince Charming look cheap with a beautiful horse, mansion, AND car not to mention interior decorating that is not only sensible but classy and able to withstand the test of time. Although he is rich, he’s modest, and conserves his money for necessities or just small surprises to make her smile. He enjoys getting his hands dirty doing the work around the house, but will employ servants that he treats as dear friends. He uses his connections for only good, such as setting up a reservation at any restaurant or feeding African children that are suffering from malnutrition. Secretly he does more charity work that Angelina on a pot of extra caffeinated coffee.
Did I mention that when it’s the right time to propose or say those three scary words (“I love you”), he’ll do it at the right moment, with the perfect setting, and with exactly the right words and loving looks? He’ll put that sweet and charming ex-girlfriend second to his real girlfriend every single time.
He does have a healthy social life, but some of his favorite things to do are defiantly spend time with his honey. He loves going on picnics with her, reading books together, enjoying sunsets/sunrises together, even bike riding together (after all, exercising with two is more fun than being stuck in a lonely one!) When they’re not playing it up as a couple, he introduces her to a lot of new friends, and respects her right to spend quality time with just her friends and not him. He hangs out with so many people, that he just laughs and stays patient when she can’t remember all their names.
Family wise, he’s heaven sent. He works hard to educate the youngsters, keep the family happy and together… Not to mention get along with the in-laws. He suggests family get-togethers frequently, and always has rooms ready for surprise family visits. He can escape any meeting for any family crisis and will reschedule if something isn’t going too well at school. Mr. Charming is ready to tutor Sonny or Julie, or if they prefer, get the top of the line tutors to help them out. When mom-in-law or dad-in-law fall and get hurt, he’s the first to get the best doctors and secretly pay, pretending he’ll take a pay back when really he insists that family is there for each other in the best and worst times.
Basically, when put in the same room as this gorgeous hunk of man, she is putty in his hands, drooling, captivated putty.
For the few men out there reading this, I would like to ask you, set against these odds what are the chances you’re going to survive the test? Pretty low huh? Granted, you may get the girl to see past all of your flaws for a short period of time, but are you really going to be able to sit there and understand everything like Mr. Prince Charming? Will you be able to be nice at the time of the month and go “honey, why don’t I make you dinner? You sit over there and relax, you name what you want and it’s yours.”
When you make a mistake, are you going to be the first one to apologize or suggest a compromise that will sweep her off her feet? Probably not, because you have dignity that simply won’t let go because you feel that compromise could compromise your masculinity. There’s nothing wrong with that, any sensible man does have a firm belief in this, as they should! As hard as it is for you… consider what the female perfection is.
Okay instead of dwelling and listing off Ms. Charming’s qualifications and personality… How about I instead dwell on a solution point? I’m not saying that we should ban Disney or fairytales because everyone should have a healthy diet of joy in their lives. Instead I suggest watching a depression movie with you child every now and then so they fully grasp the reality of men and women. Perhaps delve into Grimm’s Fairy Tales with its morbid authenticity.
Make sure you inform your child the world is not perfect, but if you lower the standards a little bit (not too much because then they’ll end up with ex boyfriends like mine…*shudder*) they can live happy and full lives and really appreciate who they fall in love with. It takes work, effort, and patience, but it’s worth it!
Or better yet, get ready to buy a lot of ice cream for them and hope they learn on their own. No one likes depressing movies, and I doubt they’ll really listen to you unless they learn it on their own. Oh well!