Lysdexic Wal*Martians Untie!

Okay, so working in one of the biggest corporate powers in the world has its obvious perks --- such as my paycheck which is significantly larger than most of my friends'. However, you also have to deal with those patrons who think they know what they're talking about (when they don't)... paste that sappy understanding smile on your face and pretend you like them (when you don't) and sucessfully mimic what is called "the customer is always right" (when that is not the case.)
So being the rational person I am, I thought it might be fun to let you in on some of the corporate lingo that takes place in customer interactions

"Did you find everything today?"

Now, to the casual observer this seems to be an inquiry as to the level of sucess in locating the specified objects on a list which may or may not be written down. However, the well-versed cashier knows that this cleverly disguised phrase actually means several things

-What didn't you find so that I can tell my manager and get that annoying grocery stock boy in trouble because he never does his job....
-Please don't yell at me, I am a human being, I have feelings and needs and really don't need your anger to be directed at me when it would be much more productive being directed at a manager.....
-By everything..... I mean the bare essentials. Did you find the bare essentials today
-Was anything out of stock? There's really nothing that I as a cashier can do much about, but I can sure smile and make you feel better.... maybe.
-I just said something cute, now it's your turn to smile and say a joke
-Okay this is a test, your response will be noted, taken into consideration and any and all future inquires will be based upon your answer... my tone, face, and even chipper demeanor will be slightly altered to make you feel ... more like a happy patron
-I really don't care who you are.... but i don't want to lose my job and i want that pay raise... so i'll pretend i like you, care about you, just so i can get some cold hard cash to afford what i want because deep down i am a very lonely person with 25 cats, 0 boyfriends/girlfriends, a lack of self respect, and a major identity crisis.

"Let me call a manager for you."

No, this isn't a statement which says i'm calling a higher authority, It's a way for us, as being lower on the walmartian scale to call someone who can charm and bewitch you with wonderfully nice phrases, a winning smile, and voice which is probably coated in mesmer.

-I have no clue what you just said, I don't speak FrenSpanaJapaglish
-I want you to be happy, and if yelling at my boss will achieve that, that's a risk i'm willing to let you make.
-Are you seriously mad about getting a jar of pickles with a label that's peeling?
-The ingeniously smart witty phrase that I was going to say just horridly backfired and i need backup.....
-This is a code Oh....Schnist! Calling for back up.... i need reinforcements stat!
-My conversation skills are officially flat lining and I dont' want you to hit me over the head with your brand new mop (which you aquired for a wonderful price of $9.99 in a easy to locate area...that you slipped in because you were running which is consequently a safety violation)

"Have a wonderful evening!"

By now you probably realize this isn't just a way of us saying enjoy your night. Although we do wish that too......

-Please, for the love of anything remotely holy, do NOT tell one more of those corny jokes.... Forcing one more laugh may literally kill me...... Seriously
-This is your cue.... STOP hitting on me and LEAVE
-My goodness.... your shvexy.
-If you want to talk to me again... you'll have to buy more crud you don't need. muahahaha!
-My manager isn't happy that it's taking 10 minutes to check you out.... and no i dont mean with my register.
-You're really grumpy, this is my last ditch effort to make you smile and maybe get a better look at life.