Irony, Thy Name Be Sadist!

In the morning, when a normal person looks in the mirror, they see an imperfect being ready to make mistakes. Most people are okay with that, some aren’t. A sadistic being will see one of two things: a person ready to divide and conquer, or a heartless fiend eager to instill hurt. A pessimist will ultimately see the end of the world, a bad hair day, and the desperate need of a waxing without any of the time in which to do it.
I see me, a very imperfect being, lacking the essential tools of commitment for a long lasting and healthy relationship. There’s a short asain girl with dark brown hair staring back at me, wondering where the he** we went wrong and why on earth won’t my hair go the way it’s supposed to?
Looking at my friends, I figure I’ve got it pretty good, I mean out of all of them I’m the only one whose managed a somewhat sane relationship. I still have all of my individuality, and am still quite confident in my beliefs and practices. They get hurt by guys a lot, I celebrate with ice cream at break ups. Out of all of my boyfriends, not a single one has ever broken up with me. That’s almost weird.
Falling in love is impractical, it leads to senseless and impractical thoughts, usually coupled by a lack of work ethic and productivity. It’s hopeless and usually based on the "if you really loved me then.." phrase. I made a vow never to succumb to such stupid lowering of standards, or to break it off at first troubles because I don’t need that much chaos right now, and up until now, I’ve stuck to that pretty well. I date, I end, they hate me, life goes on.
Of course, I’ve never really known what it’s like, I mean how does it feel when you meet the person, and you look at them and some part of you just knows. You’d be willing to sacrifice almost everything for this person and spend the rest of your life with them. You’d be willing to change parts of you to make them happy or give up small parts of your dreams because they are the ultimate dream.
They may not be perfect, and you can see the shining imperfections but really that’s okay. You love them through their flaws, no matter what they do to you, no matter how many times it feels like they’ve stabbed you through the heart.
Here’s the funny/sadistic/horrid part. This same thing has happened to me, I have been toyed with like a small stuffed mouse in front of an angry spoiled kitten. My heart is that little catnip pouch that has just been stabbed, bitten, and ripped open to be exposed to someone’s own selfish needs. I can’t hate him or even really cry out in confusion because I understand it perfectly.
I can’t even have the glorifying feeling of directing misguided hatred at this person because deep down I know I’ve done the same thing. The most sickening part is I can understand it, I can understand this ripping of emotions and merciless cat and mouse game. I look at him, and even now I can still see the other as an enemy, but not him. Irony has had it’s evil little chuckle, and I can safely say that Karma "ain’t got nuttin" on sadistic Irony.
So yep, bloggers this is just me yelling out to the virtual universe. THIS ISN’T FAIR OR RIGHT. This is me screaming like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way, because something isn’t working out, and there’s nothing I can do. This is me wishing desperately I was a different person and knowing full well that it won’t happen.
Sympathy is overrated. I don’t want that. This is just yet another endless vague rant of desperation. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it, even if we don’t know each other.

The Princess and the Pea-Brain

What is it about guys that just don’t take a hint? When a girl says "no I never want to see you again and I hope you burn in [censored]!" It doesn’t mean "hey baby I love you call me later when I cool off a little." When a girl says that she wants to break up--- it means she wants to sever the ties, cut you loose, and burn that bridge, sink that boat, close that courthouse, and sell that farm. This is a non-negotiable and somewhat binding contract that says "thou shall move and not be a pathetic clingy loser who attempts to sweet talk his lammerz way back in.".
I bet all of you out there in the virtual land of blogger are wondering --- what could set this girl off to such extremes besides an immensely stupid guy? Try an immensely stupid ex boyfriend who tries to go through my mother to break down the impenetrable wall of "I never want to see your ugly mug again."
Okay so it starts out at a family restaurant, where I’m eating with yet another ex-boyfriend who I assumed to be a partial friend. He was gushing about his newest injury and how my boyfriend is a jerk, and I was mildly trying to tell him to back off. (It was a lost cause however so I eventually gave up on that note). Then he tells me that my boyfriend, my shining knight in alcoholic glory has been less than close mouthed about what we’ve been doing. I.e. He’s been telling everything we do WITH details to this guy--- NOT COOL! (Granted we haven’t done a whopping lot of stuff, but telling another guy about this in a narcissistic way is a blatant disrespect of my body and self. He didn’t even bother to tell me that he mentioned it or ask me for permission to mention it since it was between US.)
Oh my dearest bloggers, it gets even better! He then says that I’m the reason he’s drinking himself into a stupor again, and that I’m breaking his heart because I won’t put him above my job. My employment. My means of escape… Essentially, my metaphorical rope out of this dungeon tower back to sane people in the real world…. This is earth sending out a wake up call…… "HELLO STUPID TIME TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FOLDGERS!"
My work and connections in this town are something I’m very proud of. I’ve worked very hard to move up the Wal-Mart corporate ladder, gain friends in management, impress management, and get a lasting place there should I ever consider wanting it when I become of age. I’ve been working since the sixth grade to establish some good connections that will help advance me if I ever come back to this place to teach. These people will give me great recommendations, not because I’m pretty or have a cute voice--- because I work my [censored] off to do a good job and I kick [censored] at what I do! I’ve been working years to get over my shyness and be able to talk to people and teach small groups. I’m seventeen and I’m already handling small groups. This is an achievement, a big one in this district.
After all of that hard work --- why on this slowly dying green earth would I waste all of my carefully applied time and effort to spend time with some guy who couldn’t even show a smidgen of commitment at college before he got wasted? He couldn’t even handle 3M (one of the best paying jobs in this town as well) because he thought it was boring. I have applied myself beyond all expectations to succeed, and he can’t even work somewhere unless his little alcoholic monkey brain is happy. He doesn’t understand you have to be good at what you do to like it, and you only get good at it by working hard and practicing.
This guy thinks I don’t have a sense of fun because I won’t join in the liver damage club and also become an alcoholic. (Never mind that I’ve told him repeatedly it’s against my religion and I won’t violate it. I didn’t have good experiences as a kid with people who drink too much and I refuse to put myself in a position where I could become one of those people who hurts others for senseless and dangerous past times.)
His idea of listening to me is responding to EVERYTHING with "that reminds me of the time I got wasted and…" I mean seriously one of our conversations was "I can’t come out tonight, my puppy is sick and I want to make sure she’s going to be okay." "That reminds me of the time I got wasted and I had to be over a trash can for hours.. but I survived, the mutt will too come on." "You don’t understand" "I’ve been in college, look it reminds me of the time…." Let’s just say the conversation standards couldn’t be put high because he’d flunk.
Not to mention he OBSESSIVELY stares at one of my friends while she’s working, tells guys who are playing a VIDEO GAME that they’re holding the toy gun wrong (freaked out much?), tries to correct people at work when HE’S the NEWBIE. Did I mention he’s addicted to a spice? Cloves. He reeks of cloves, his car reeks of cloves, even his bedroom absolutely and abhorrently REEKS of those stupid horrible tasting little things.
So finally, I’ve had enough, and I send him a text message (because oh wow that's the only way I ever really talk to him anymore) that says "I changed my mind about us it's over sorry". (harsh I know but I was in a less than calm state of mind) and he sends me this message --- "Okay, but I still want to talk to you to see if you're okay." like he broke up with ME!
I don't want to talk to him - in fact JJ kidnapped my phone and texted to him "I'd rather talk to JJ" (which is true) and he’s all "wow. That’s why we broke up because we couldn't talk". No [censored]... we broke up because you couldn't keep your super-size mouth shut or your large [censored] ego off the topic of your excessive drinking. Duh.
I don't want to hang out with him because I don’t want people to see us together and give me the same look that his mother gave me the first time she saw us together… "What are you doing? Why are you going that? You really need to rethink this…" I mean if his mother thinks this… what is the less understanding portion of society going to think?
I don't even want to admit that ever happened because heaven forbid that the mangers find out the weird ass cocky little brat in produce is my EX... I will deny it to my resignation day at Wal-Mart.... I have worked hard to get my raises and impress the managers and I’m not going to let some hormonal, self centered, drunk little idiot mess it up. I mean he went to work with a hangover how stupid do you have to be?! He even mentions we dated - I’m going to make a harassment complaint to the mangers saying that I do not appreciate such details being spread about the work place and he has no right to spread them. They are destructive to the work environment and they are not appropriate for such an atmosphere as dictated by the holy CBL’s.
Then he has the audacity to approach my MOTHER because I won’t talk to him and gives her this sob story about how: he just wants to hang out (or make out and suck on those dumb cloves), he just wants to talk to me (BS), and it's not fair that sixteen-year-olds just use him for experience. (That again I hit the fan about because I'M [censored] SEVENTEEN and not a [censored] sixteen-year-old! All of my friends know that and I expect my [censored] boyfriend to as well (pardon, my EX-boyfriend.). For the record, Canver could kiss a MILLION times better than him and he knew how to French better and at least I was physically attracted to Canver... as opposed to the short bug eyed little twerp who has the mouth of a bull frog. He also has the class and charm of a screaming howler monkey and the ultimate sex appeal of a dead sloth.
You DON’T tell my mother those things. It’s uncalled for, untrue, and immature. I know my mom knows that I’m not a perfect little angel but I would at least like her to know the truth, not the deluded fantasies of some 19-year-old [censored]. My mother knows I’m honest with her and it’s a complete insult that he thinks that she would believe some insinuated scandal from this walking mistake.
So no. I’m not going to give him closure, because frankly he doesn't deserve it. All he needs to know is that we broke up, and he needs to lose my number before I send Mandi after him. End of that grim fairy tale.